Meet my New Best Friend from HELL

This is my new best friend/worst enemy:

It is called an Epilator.  This particular one is the Braun Silk epil Epilator (the best one I could find, after MANY hours of research).  And for those of you who don't know what an epilator is, let me elaborate.  It is like a million tiny tweezer ripping your hair out all at once.  You use it instead of shaving.  Still don't get the idea?  Well, let me tell you a story.

READER BEWARE:  This is a LONG and hopefully humorous story that will give you an insight into the EVILS of epilating.  

Getting my Epilator:

I had this product recommended to use instead of a razor for shaving.  The person recommending it said that they didn't have to shave for THREE WEEKS after they used this.  That it left their skin sooo soft and sooo smooth.  They were in LOVE with this product.

I began to wonder, could it really be as magical as described.  I wanted to try, but didn't want to pay the roughly $75 bucks for it.  Then came my brilliant idea.  Since I couldn't spend that much on myself, I would get my husband to buy it for me for Christmas.  A few not so subtle hints, a gift card, and a very specific, "You can get it at this place for this much" hinting to my husband, I got my epilator.

Week One:

Excited to try it, but knowing it would hurt, I take my Ibuprofen 800 left from my Oral Surgery; after all, pain and I do NOT get along.  I sit down in the living room, with something amusing to watch on TV, take a deep breath and begin the MOST AGONIZING, PAINFUL hour of my life.

As I began ripping my hairs out of my leg one by one, fighting back the tears welling in my eyes, I turn to my husband and say "!)(#$*(#)$*(#$*)@#*"  But in words children can hear "dear sweet husband, this is your idea of a gift?!?"  

By this point I was ready to throw this EVIL contraption out the door.  NO ONE could really do this to themselves, right?  I mean what type of sick, twisted individual would recommend causing this much pain and anguish to poor unsuspecting victims such as myself.  Certainly it HAD to be a joke.  Or the Devil himself trying to cause the mighty to fall.

Taking another deep breath and look down to see how much I have completed on my leg.  1" x 1 1/2".  Huh.  So not very much.  At this point, I realize that every review I read mentioned that you HAVE to get past the first time in order to appreciate the benefits.  

I reach down and flip the switch to on.  The whirring of the blades sounds like nails on a chalkboard.  My ENTIRE body tenses with anticipation.  As I placed this tiny, and seemingly innocent contraption on my legs; "!!&*()$#(#$(*&@#*$()"  Words I had never even heard before were coming in a steady stream out of my mouth as I moved this torture device up my leg.

Ready to kill anyone and anything who even looks at me wrong, my dear husband says "Are you alright Heidi."  To which I reply "IF YOU EVER LOOK AT ME AGAIN I WILL KILL YOU."  Realizing I was just lashing out due to the immense pain I was causing myself in the name of beauty, my husband quietly backs away into a corner.

With eyes glowing red with anger the epilator rears its teeth into my delicate skin and continues ripping hair out in masses.  Realizing that the Ibuprofen is doing NOTHING for the pain, I realize I must push through it.  Grabbing a wooden spoon and shoving into the tense hole I call my mouth, I bite down with all the effort of a college student smashing a beer can against his forehead.  Another strip of my leg is done.

Repeating the above mentioned process, over and over again, through out the course of one hour is what I call torture.  I only managed to get as far as my legs and half an armpit before I was shaking to violently to continue.

Week Two:

A little surprised at the fact that my legs (and half an armpit) were still silky smooth, I brave the thought of starting on my bikini line.  Now, most of you know that whatever you feel on the leg, the bikini line feels TEN TIMES more.  So, this time I took two Ibuprofen 800's.  A little over the top, but NOTHING hurt worse that epilating my legs (and half an armpit).  I was asked by my hubby at this point which was worse, childbirth or epilating.  To which I reply, without hesitation, "Epilating; because with childbirth you get the epidural."

Staring the epilator in the face I declare "You WILL NOT get the best of me.  I am woman, HEAR ME ROAR." (which really is more like moaning in agony).  I begin by touching up my legs, and amazingly, it wasn't too bad.  Was it the two Ibuprofens kicking in?  Who knows, but it was nice.

I brave the armpits again.  "@@)(#$UI)(#$*(@$#*)("  Apparently the pain pills were doing nothing.  So the first time really was the worst.  Realizing this gave me renewed vigor.

"I will conquer" I exclaimed as I take the jaws of the very devil himself and place them on my ever so sensitive bikini line.  "@#)($&#*$&@*(#)@&#*$&)#&$@*)#$(*&#)"  and "! @# $*(!@ #*$(@#( @$*)"  a.k.a. Oh yeah!  It feels sooo good.  (Think James Bond, in Casino Royale where he is being tortured in the chair, butt naked, repeatedly kicked in the sensitive spots of a man).

Bleeding, swelling and pain ensues.  Cursing.  Words I didn't even know were once again coming out of my mouth at a rate that would shame Niagara Falls.  Is it possible this device was indeed Satan himself.  At that moment in time, I sure thought so.  But DETERMINED to get past the awful first session, I pressed on.

One hour later, exhausted, and weak I come out victorious.  I had finished my bikini line.  Limping in agony into the bathroom, I decide a soak in the tub is MANDATORY.  As I slink into the steamy water I again SCREAM in agony.  

It turns out that my pores aren't used to water coming into them.  But, who am I to judge.  If I were a hair follicle I wouldn't want water drowning the life out of me either.

Week Three:

By this time, I had finished all my hair covered parts once, and surprisingly, I was still silky smooth.  Determined not to let my previous wars be forgotten, or in vain, I decide weekly maintenance is a MUST.

I sit down with a good movie, and begin.  This time, NO PAIN PILLS.  And although I was fairly smooth all ready, nothing can quite prepare your body to have hairs ripped out of your skin.

However, once that initial shock was over, the rest of the session was relatively quick and painless.  I had no major "episodes" of obscenities.  It only took maybe 15-20 minutes to touch-up my entire body, and everything was back to silky smooth (which really it still was).  Impressive.

Week Four:

My husband decided we need to go swimming as a family.  I initially begin to say "No" (because a woman's natural reaction to this is, "Sorry, we can't.  I haven't shaved in three weeks.")  Then realize, though I haven't shaved in three weeks, my bikini line, legs and armpits are still silky smooth.  "OK" I say.  Of we went skipping down the yellow brick road.

Week Five:

So, here I am.  Beginning week 5 of my little adventure.  I am still completely smooth and silky.  There are a few hairs beginning to grow back, but this weeks epilating session will get them.  Was the pain worth it.  I say yes.  So much so, I want to share the excitement and thrills of being perfectly smooth and silky all the time with everyone.  Pondering of who could benefit from being hairless, and so smooth I grab my wonderful, new best friend my epilator and call out "Oh Jared...."