Paper Can't Win

I found this and HAD to repost it, because it is just too freakin' hilarious not to:

Paper Can't Win

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors; but there's no way paper can beat rock.  Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile?  Why can't paper do this to scissors then?  Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people?  Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class?  I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody.  A rock would tear paper up in two seconds. 

When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock.  Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "Oh, I'm sorry.  I thought paper would protect you, you dumbass!"